The Day the Music Died

"And we were singing, bye bye Miss American Pie, drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry."

That about sums up my experience with breastfeeding and pumping once the twins were born. It's probably biggest dark cloud that hangs over me. It's on my mind more than the guilt over their NICU stay and my resentment over the C-Section. No breastmilk for us.

Let me backtrack a little here. Breastfeeding has always been very important to me. I never understood the women who said "it didn't work". How could it "not work"? This is what our bodies are designed to do and women have been feeding their babies this way for centuries! Well, now I understand. I believe there a few factors that contributed to my failure lack of success with breastfeeding.

I really believe that immediate contact with the babies is important to establish a bond and begin milk production. With a C-Section, you don't have the option because you are obviously in the middle of a surgery. Most mothers are then reunited with their babies in the recovery room, where mine were whisked off to the NICU and because I was unstable for a good period of time after the surgery I was unable to see or hold them for hours. Due to their prematurity and medical conditions, I was not able to attempt to breastfeed until the next day. I was able to do Kangaroo care with Ben for a short time but Will was in an isolette and I did not get to hold him much. I did begin pumping that day so I could give them the colostrum.

I pumped. I pumped and I pumped and I pumped. When I was "allowed" (basically I was at the mercy of which nurse the babies had that day) I would do Kangaroo care or attempt to breastfeed for no more than 10 minutes, with Will only. This was because they would get too tired and still had to eat a bottle of formula for preemies and whatever tiny amount I had pumped. There were times when Dan was going down to the NICU in the middle of the night because I wanted them to have the 20ml (less than one ounce) of milk that I pumped in a 30 minute session. I was not thrilled that they were started on formula right away. I know this what they needed, especially if they were to become stronger and leave the hospital and I didn't have enough supply to sustain them.

So I continued to pump. I had a pump in my hospital room and in Ben's room in the NICU. Gradually my supply started to increase and I had enough to feed one of them. At first we shared the breastmilk between the two boys, either giving each half BM and half formula, or alternating between feedings. Ben had a harder time with the suck, swallow, breathe combination and had to have a feeding tube where he would be fed whatever he didn't eat through the bottle or "nipple". We soon discovered that he was much more successful with breastmilk, almost finishing the bottle every time. So we decided to give everything I pumped to Ben and I would nurse Will before his bottle of formula. And I kept on pumping. To the point where my nipples were covered with blisters, TMI sorry! I do believe that the breastmilk is what got Ben off the feeding tube, if he wasn't able to "nipple" at least 80% of his feedings they were not going to release him. So at least I have that to help me sleep at night.

Once we got home, we stuck strictly to their schedule from the NICU and fed them every three hours. At this point I started to work my way up to breastfeeding them both in addition to pumping. I would nurse them one at a time, alternating which baby would nurse at each feeding. I had no idea how much they were getting and we were told by the doctors to continue to offer their full feeding in a bottle after nursing. They both had issues latching, very common in preemies, and would both eat their full bottle (either formula or breastmilk depending on supply) after nursing. If I nursed one or both babies, gave a bottle, then pumped it would take me almost 2 1/2 hours (out of the every 3 hour schedule mind you).

I was so upset and frustrated that they were not getting enough through nursing and I was dedicating all of this time and wasn't able to even parent them because I was exhausted and crying the entire time. It. Was. So. Painful. Every time they latched it felt like 1,000 knives, seriously toe curling pain. Same thing with the pump, I would grip the arms of the chair and cry in pain the entire time. But I didn't quit! I cried and cried and cried but I didn't give up. I asked advice of friends who were successful nursing and I hung in there as best I could. Finally after the craziness of the 2 1/2 hour sessions threatened to push me over the edge from baby blues to post pardom depression, Dan and I decided that I would no longer nurse but continue to pump. I struggled with this decision but because nursing was basically torturing both the babies and I, and I was such a wreck that I couldn't be a good mother to them, I stopped. Yet, I continued to pump.

I pumped religiously and drank Mother's Milk Tea, and consumed tons of calories and drank water until I nearly floated away. I recorded how much I pumped and watched the numbers go up. I finally felt like I could do this. Unfortunately I wasn't producing enough to feed them both exclusively BM so we alternated BM and formula for their feedings. I would pump after feeding them in the middle of the night, after Dan had gone back to bed. I'd take the pump in my room when we had visitors. I even tried to pump while feeding a baby but it was quite difficult with the tubes and bottles etc. I didn't like the pumping, it still hurt like a bi*$# but it gave me such satisfaction to see the bottles of BM in the fridge and knowing that my babies were getting all of the benefits of BM.

Then one day it happened. I started to feel really sore on one side. I thought it was because I was late pumping because we had a visitor bring us dinner. So I pumped and thought it would go away. Then came the earache, and chills and fever. I felt like I had the flu, it was awful. In addition to the pain in the breast. I called the doctor and was given antibiotics for mastitis. Nasty, mean mastitis. To get rid of the infection, I pumped and even nursed the babies some because they say that they are the best cure. I was also told that they would be able to latch better once they were closer to term which they were at this point. No such luck, but I kept it up to get rid of the infection. The supply on the infected side started to decrease little by little to the point where I was down to less than an ounce. Luckily the other side was producing between 4-5 ounces. I was hopeful for what I could possibly produce once the infection cleared up. Again, no such luck. I was striking out. The infection began on the other side, goodbye breastmilk. I went back to the doctor and got a prescription for Reglan, used to help stimulate the production of milk.

I kept pumping and there were times when the bottles were completely empty. I was devastated. Back at the doctor, the NP told me I just needed to stop. I had to wear tight sports bras and quit pumping cold turkey. Since there was basically no milk, it didn't take much to dry up completely. A small part of me felt a little relieved. I wasn't chained to the pump and the pain would go away. That didn't last. I felt so much guilt because there was no breastmilk for the babies, I felt like I had failed. I resented my body for not doing what it was supposed to do and I blamed myself for quitting. I constantly thought about what would have happened if I just kept pumping. How many empty bottles would it take before one would just start to fill up?

According to my doctor, there's no way to really know if the milk would have come back and there's no guarantee that I wouldn't have gotten another infection. She is adamant that formula is great for them and that nursing twins is next to impossible. Still, every time I open the can of formula to mix up a bottle, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I want to cry every time I read a blog about a mama who nursed her twins. I think about all of my friends who have recently had babies nursing their singletons through the night. I wish I could have nursed, I really really do. I accepted that pumping was the next best thing and then I feel like that was taken away from me. Nothing about this experience has gone according to plan and it's frustrating.

I hope that writing about it will help me get past this. I LOVE every second I get to be with my babies and I know that they are thriving even though they are formula fed. I have to focus on what I was able to do for them with the breastmilk they got in the beginning. I have to accept that the cards were stacked against us; C-Section, NICU, prematurity, two babies to nurse and nasty mastitis. So they're not breastmilk babies, but they are two of the happiest, healthiest and most adorable little boys you've ever seen!